My Story - The Third One

I had been told that sometimes right after a miscarriage it is easier to get pregnant because the body is already in pregnancy mode. I was thrilled in January to have a positive home pregnancy test. I wasn’t so naive this time about a pregnancy succeeding, but I was grateful never the less. It was Martin Luther King Day and my husband was home from work so we were able to share the news together. We were both excited yet cautious. I contacted Dr. J that morning and shared our news. I was instructed to go in for two quantitative HCG draws 48 hours apart. If the levels looked good and doubled as they should, I would have a viability ultrasound at approximately six and a half weeks. 

I went in for my first HCG count two days later. After my last experience with the HCG counts I was a little nervous. I prayed the whole way there and the whole night and didn't relax until the result came back the next day. My first HCG was 238 which is good. I was incredibly grateful. One hurdle down, one more to go! The second one was conducted 48 hours later and came back at 642. Second hurdle passed, we were on a roll! With the HCG counts looking good, we were given the go ahead to schedule the viability ultrasound. I scheduled the ultrasound for February 5^th, our anniversary. After the very difficult anniversary we had last year, I was more than ready to have something exciting to celebrate this year.

The next couple of weeks found me feeling quite pregnant. Once I had the positive HPT, I began taking my Progesterone supplement. This added to my symptoms, but I didn’t care how nauseous I felt or how many times I had to use the bathroom, I was just incredibly grateful to be pregnant.

February 5^th came at what felt like a snail’s pace, undoubtedly because I was awaiting it with eager anticipation. With my HCG counts and my symptoms, I was confident everything was progressing normally. My husband met me at Dr. J's office. Dr. J came in and conducted our ultrasound. She found a good intrauterine pregnancy but the baby was measuring small, about five weeks instead of six and a half. Because the baby was measuring small we weren’t able to see a clear heartbeat. Dr. J thought, initially, the small size could be because my dates were off. She told me not to worry but to go ahead and schedule a follow-up ultrasound in a week or ten days. Even though Dr. J was calm about the situation and I trusted her, my heart sank and I was concerned. I had been so convinced that everything would be going well that the ultrasound news felt like a real blow. I went home that night and cried and cried. It took me several days to feel hopeful again. Off and on during the following ten days I had spotting. At first we thought it was a result of having the ultrasound, which had been done internally, but as it lingered I had some concerns.

We had our follow-up ultrasound appointment on February 15^th, the Friday before a long weekend. I figured some extra time off, over the weekend, would give my body a chance to recover after the ultrasound and help reduce any spotting. On the day of the ultrasound I was exactly eight weeks. I knew that with the gestational age, the baby should be large enough to easily see a heartbeat. I had finally stopped spotting and had regained hope that everything would be okay and we would see a lot of progress.

My husband and I were very pleased to be able to see the baby. Due the their appearance we affectionately gave them the nickname “Little Bean”. Little Bean had grown a few more millimeters since the last visit and my husband could clearly see the tail and the head. We were quite pleased until we heard the measurements. The baby was now measuring five and a half weeks, only a little larger than last time. We listened while Dr. J searched for a heartbeat. To our great disappointment there still wasn’t a clear heartbeat. I started to grow uneasy and I could tell Dr. J was concerned. She finished up the ultrasound and asked me to get dressed. She told us that she would be back shortly to talk to us.

I remember vividly when  Dr. J returned. She sat down, looked us straight in the eye and said, “I am concerned.” Due to the slow growth of the baby and the inability to find a clear heart beat, she was fairly certain the baby had a chromosomal abnormality. She said the prognosis wasn’t good. When we asked her for a percentage, she gave us about a ten percent chance. We were heartbroken. Dr. J requested that we schedule another ultrasound in one week and told us that there was a chance I would miscarry before that appointment. Dr. J was headed out of town for the long weekend, but she told us to stay in touch with her office if anything happened before our follow up appointment.

After my appointment I called close family members and told them about our situation. It was decided that we would pray and fast as a family for our Little Bean. We were praying for a miracle. I knew that Dr. J was an expert in her field but I wanted her to be wrong this time. My husband and I went home that night and cried and cried together. 

I woke up the next morning and decided that I wasn’t going to grieve until I knew for sure that I would miscarry. I spent the day trying hard to keep myself busy and not think about the possibility of losing the baby. Sunday came and I was feeling quite nauseous again. I was certain this was a good sign. We had many people praying for us, I had received blessings and I knew that if it was God's will he would heal this baby. Everything seemed to be okay until Sunday night when I began to spot again. I had a sinking feeling that this was it.

Monday morning I awoke to more spotting which was followed by mild cramping. Throughout the day, the cramping increased as did the bleeding. I knew I was headed in a bad direction. I spent a lot of the day crying.

On Tuesday morning I was still bleeding and cramping, but hadn’t passed any tissue yet. I decided to call Dr. J’s office and ask to see one of her partners as she was still out of town. It just so happened that the head of the department had an opening that day. When I met with the department chair, he did an ultrasound. He confirmed I was still pregnant but still couldn't see a clear heartbeat. He told me that even though things looked bad, he had seen worse pregnancies go on and end up okay. I was in wait and see mode and only time would tell, but I felt some hope. I had taken the day off of work to give my body and the baby every advantage in continuing on with the pregnancy. My husband had a mandatory meeting at work that day so I was on my own. I stopped by my favorite place for high calorie food, In-N-Out, and ordered a rare treat of an animal style cheeseburger, fries and a shake. I figured any extra calories wouldn’t hurt Little Bean. I went home ate my fatty goodness and laid low.

Since being given the grim prognosis by Dr. J, I had offered many tear filled prayers. I had told God that I would accept his will for this pregnancy, but if possible I really wanted this baby to live and be healthy. My faith and trust in God was making the pain I felt bearable, but not necessarily easy.

About an hour later the cramping intensified to significant severity and I felt a lot of pressure. I knew this was it but I was blessed with a very calm presence and clarity of thought that can only come from above. All of the trauma I had experienced with the first miscarriage was gone and I was amazed. I passed the tissue and was able to retrieve what I needed for the genetic testing that I knew would come. I carefully placed this in a container and in the refrigerator. I called Dr. J’s office and let them know that I had just had a miscarriage. They scheduled an appointment for me to see her the following day. I then called my husband. Because he was in meetings, I had to leave him a message. I felt so bad telling him on voicemail, but I wanted him to know as soon as possible. 

I was so grateful for the peace and comfort I had during this miscarriage, especially since I was by myself. After my first miscarriage I was terrified to experience it again. I knew that our prayers had been answered in the way God intended for this baby and pregnancy.

My husband came home as soon as he could. We cried again together. It was a hard night, but was filled with many tender moments. Our grief over the loss of the babies has brought us closer together. I am more grateful for my husband now and love him more than ever. We've walked this journey together depending on each other.  
 

The following day I met with Dr. J. She examined me to ensure I had passed all of the pregnancy tissue. She also examined the pregnancy tissue and confirmed that I had indeed retrieved all of the necessary tissue for the genetic testing. The tissue and the baby were sent away for two types of testing, the first was a traditional karyotype performed at the lab and the second was an investigational type of karyotype testing that used advanced microscopes to analyze the baby’s tissue. The latter was a study that the was being conducted at the University on recurrent miscarriages. We qualified for the study which meant the second test didn’t cost us anything. I appreciate the opportunity to participate in studies, especially when there is a possibility of gaining information. Dr. J scheduled two follow up appointments with me, one in ten days to make sure I was recovering from the miscarriage okay and the other was in three weeks to discuss the genetic results from the baby’s karyotype. 

My next follow-up appointment was fine. I physically was recovering well but emotionally was starting to struggle. The perspective I seem to find at the time I miscarry always seems to be challenged a few weeks after losing the baby. By nature, grief isn’t logical and when you top that off with rapidly changing hormones it is a Molotov cocktail of emotions. The hormonal changes are always the worst. One would think that after having so many miscarriages I would be used to this, although I expect it and dread it, it is hard for me Every. Single. Time. 

I try to learn from each miscarriage and grief experience so that I can handle the next one a little better. The first one I was very unprepared for what I would face emotionally. I had felt loss and grief before, but pregnancy loss is in a whole different class. The loss I felt and depth of grief was all new to me. After this third pregnancy loss I became trapped in the anger stage of grief. I tried and tried to get out of it. I was angry this had happened again. I was angry that other people who didn’t want to be pregnant were pregnant. I was angry that people with self inflicted health problems were pregnant. I was angry that teenage girls who couldn’t care for themselves let alone a baby were pregnant. I was angry that drug moms were pregnant. Honestly, I was angry anyone could be pregnant. 

After struggling for several weeks, I decided to go see a counselor. I had actually gone in to see this counselor a few months after my first miscarriage. At that time she left the door open for me to return if I ever wanted to. I went in and met with her for a few visits, to get some perspective again and to receive assistance in getting out of the anger stage of grief I had been stuck in. Thankfully with the good advice I received and blessings from above I was able to move on and heal. 

At our next follow up visit with Dr. J, we discussed the genetic results from the baby’s karyotype. Little Bean was a little girl. She had what is called complete trisomy 22. This means that instead of having two chromosomes on the 22^nd chromosome, our daughter had three. My husband and I went through genetic testing which revealed completely normal karyotypes for both of us. This meant that what happened to our baby was a completely random occurrence. I was reassured with these results for two reasons. First, I knew had our baby lived she would have had a very difficult life because of the trisomy 22. Every major system in her body would have run the risk of being malformed and had significant problems. Second, with this being a completely random occurrence, we had hope for a successful pregnancy in the near future. Dr. J was especially hopeful and her hope rubbed off on both of us.

As an added precaution, Dr. J put both my husband and I on some extra supplements that can contribute to better pregnancy outcomes. I began taking a daily low dose aspirin that can help reduce any small blood clots. We were eager to do anything we could to help the cause next time. We were given the green light to go ahead whenever we felt ready to try again.